It’s… February 24th. I actually had to check that.
Something happened today, and it made me figure why not.
Maybe today was the day or maybe it is tomorrow or the day after. Next week or it may never come. Yes I know I sound awfully passive, but that’s how I am, passive.
Years of depression and anxiety does that to you.
The event that happened today? Zombies Run-app became available for those who preordered it. I immediately got it, grabbed the minidog and went outside into the dark.
Dark, you ask? Yes. I woke up at six in the evening. That’s how my life is.
Let’s start again, shall we?
Hi, I’m Runner 5. Or one of them, at least.
I’m 31, I’m female, I’m somewhat 5’6” and I weigh…around 300lbs.
I live in the middle of nowhere, quite literally, in a place where there are no gyms in town and I don’t own a car to get to the swimming baths that are in town, nowhere near where I am.
I’ve been depressed most my adult life, though there was a stretch of time in my mid-twenties when I could go to work and study for a few years and I managed it just fine. Then the depression came back and here I am, a few years later. Again.
Now, Zombies, Run! is something I’ve been waiting for a reason. I need incentive to go out and even take a walk. Otherwise I’ll just sit inside and that’s it. Here’s the computer and the comfy chair and my social life revolves around those two items.
I’ve let myself go. That’s the… I don’t know. The key point. I’ve given in to my depression that works as a reason to not exercise what so ever. Nothing that makes me feel uncomfortable is worth it, because it potentially makes me feel worse. That’s how I’ve lived for years now.
I have a career, working from home, that I can handle somewhat, not really well but it’s working, I’m working, for now. If the depression wasn’t a factor, I would actually make money, I suppose. I would enjoy the job I do much more.
Now, tonight I got the app and the dog and went out with a flashlight and began to listen to the Zombies, Run! app and…walked. Even jogged for a very brief moment just to get the dog going. She was running about—no need for a leash here—and enjoying herself and the rare opportunity to go on a walk with mom. I know, I’m a bad dog owner, I don’t take her to walks. She does go out on the yard several times a day though, and she’s happy with that. The rest of the time she’s the queen of the couch.
Anyway. I was outside, listening to the track and I kept at it for over 20 minutes. Just walking aimlessly, listening, breathing in the night air in the dark, clean forest. It was nice. Not great or mindblowing, just nice.
Tomorrow I might go during the daylight hours and walk elsewhere, for a longer time. At least I hope to do so. Nothing is ever sure when it comes to my personal “I mights”.
On Monday I’ll be going to what I call “depression rehab”. It’s a five-day thing, going to a retreat of sorts, but it’s mandatory from the healthcare POV. It’s an in-patient thing, so I’ll be staying there. They have a pool. I think I might brave going into the water… I love swimming, but can really only do it in the summertime.
I’m cautiously optimistic, I feel like there’s a tiny sliver in my mind that keeps insisting I should go for a walk every day, take the time at the rehab-place to get into an exercise routine of some sort. If they have a gym, go check it out, but at least swim and go for walks. Or rather, go run with the zombies.